Pretending

Hmm where to start. So many thoughts all swimming around in a sea of blubbering. I hear many people say to me, you seem normal. You can communicate well. Well not really, only on subjects I care deeply about. And gee you know what I happen to be talking about with these people who say this to me? Asperger Syndrome! A subject I care deeply about! It fascinates me. Actually it's the brain that fascinates me. The why of peoples behaviors. Do I spend a lot of time researching and learning about the brain? Countless hours. Do I spend a lot of time on Aspergers? Countless hours. I had the opportunity and courage one time to go to college for the career of my choice. It was only a community college and I was only able to to go for an associates but it was an opportunity I new I had to take no matter how frightened I was at the though of being in such unpredictable situation. To learn! I had to. I picked human services. I took so many psychology classes it almost over shadowed the human services. I never finished the human service course, I came one semester shy of my degree. But I realized later on I did not want to get into the human service area and for a long time I couldn't figure out what it was I did want. Until recently I realized it was the brain! The disorders, the functions, the patterns. Ever hear of "Down the rabbit Hole", "What the Bleep do we Know"? If you haven't you should check it out! Type either in a google and see what you get!

But my original point for this post was again the perception that Asperger people can't communicate. To be Aspergers you must have difficulty talking to people. It's a wide misconception about Aspies and I believe it is a misconception about Autistic people also. I believe they can communicate just not in a way that we know.

But again I am going way off the subject I really want to be talking about. Like I said in the beginning I have some people tell me I don't seem Asperger because they feel I communicate well, I seem fine. Well I pretend a lot. I've learned to pretend things are fine so people will like me. I am a people watcher and I mimic behavior. I am an excellent analyzer. I analyze my self and others over and over and over. When I was a teenager I remember watching what behavior got my sisters in trouble and I deduced what behavior my mother liked and I did what pleased her and got to stay out late with my friends, I was able to get more privileges. Again I mimic behavior or mirror behavior. Someone could walk up to me at today and start yelling and arguing with me to the point where I don't want to ever be civil to the person again. But if a day later they come up to me and talk to me nice I will do the same back like nothing ever happened. Even though I don't like them and I want nothing to do with the person. If there nice I'm nice, even if I hate them, if they talk nice I will talk nice. If they talk nasty I will talk nasty. This one my traites that I dislike the most. Because If someone treats me poorly, I really don't want to be nice to them and let them think their behavior was okay, that it did not hurt me, I want to be able to communicate to them what their inappropriate behavior did. But I wont be able to if they talk nice. I will just do the same back.

Another communication issues I have is the delayed response to upsetting conversations. Most normal people, if they get into a conversation where inappropriate words are said are able to communicate this to the other person at the time when the offence takes place. I do not have this ability... Okay I need to leave this deadliest warrior show has offended me to the hilt. I will finish this in the morning.

I have to say this is one of the most difficult issues for me to explain correctly and to add to the difficulty I am tired my husband keeps interrupting me with idiotic babble about Deadliest Warrior and of course the TV is loud. I will probably come back tomorrow and rewrite a lot of this. If you read this before that you get the raw deal. Straight from the brain, unedited, uncut, uncensored!

Something positive for once!

For once I would like to talk about some good things. Things I like, things that make me happy. Even though I had a horrible evening I am actually in a good mood. Why? Jeff Dunham! I decided to put in his Christmas special tonight and I am glad I did. He makes me laugh. Especially Achmed the dead terrorist! I don't like bubba J to much but the rest are soooo funny! I can be in the darkest mood and he will bring me out of it. I like Bill Engvall too! He is GREAT! Laugh, Laugh, Laugh! I like most of Ron Whites material some of it is a little perverted and perversion is not that funny to me. But the tater salad bit is a riot! I like listening to Jeff Foxworthy. I don't laugh a lot but I like listening to him. The only other comedian that has made me laugh is Bill Cosby.

TV shows I like are Warehouse 13, Doctor Who, and Star Trek. That's about it. Other wise I will watch documentaries or the Weather Channel. I like the food channels because it's like I am in class learning how to cook. I like cooking and baking. Baking especially because I like sweets.

I like the Internet because I can gather facts about my fav subjects and keep up on the real news instead of the twisted, government controlled crap on satellite. I do a lot of research on Aspergers, Toxins in our food, natural health stuff. I just think it's great because it's like one big giant dictionary and encyclopedia. Facts, Facts, Facts! I love it!

I like photography, I have a digital camera a Panasonic Lumix. It has a macro lens on it which I have had a blast with. I haven't took many pictures lately though, I don't know why, I just stopped taking them for now. But I still love it!

I like craft stuff and coloring the giant posters. I like the patterns mostly, like the geometric shapes. I'll use color pencils or markers usually. Lately I have been making these little bead dolls for my daughter and her friends but I had to stop because I ran into a snag. The only place I can get the beads I need are at a store that is pretty far from my house (60mi) and between unreliable vehicles and not a lot of money, I haven't been able to get more of the beads I need. It's a bummer. But if I have patients I will be able to get what I need eventually.

That's about all I can think of at the moment. I am sure there might be more but I just can't think of it at the moment. But at least you see I am not all tears and anger. I do have a fun side it just seems lately I don't get to bring it out much. I will try harder.

Being hated

He hates me so much I don't know why he sticks around. I guess because he feels this is his families land and he "built" this house so he refuses to leave? Hoping I will leave. I would if I could. Do you know what it is like to have your mate hate you to the point where it's obvious they are just putting up with you. I hear him talking to the neighbors to his family and their friends. He says things like "welcome to my hell." He lies to me, cheats on me, yells at me. But just stops short of saying "get out"! because he has no one to cart his ass around and because of the kids. Do you know what it is like to be kept around just because of your kids or to be visited by your mother just because of your kids? No one in my family really wants to see me or be around me. And they'll say "oh that's not true" Bullshit, your actions speak louder than words. And sometimes your words speaks volumes. My mother always says '"I'm just coming down to see the kids." She can't stand to hang out and talk to me. If and when she does she goes back to my sisters and her husband and gossips about me and next thing I know my one psycho sister is calling me up and yell at me about weird things. Bill always talks about me behind my back. I have had neighbors HATE me because of B.S. he has told them about me. I am not being paranoid or misreading people. Let me give you an example. We use to have this couple that lived on our road that Bill got to know first. One night he invited the two over to a camp fire. Well the wife brought her friend over and her sister. At one point the wife says to bill "oh you have to meet my friend(can't remember her name)you two are so alike, you would love her. I have to get you two together! WHAT, Hello!!!! His wife is right here in front of you!!!!!! I asked her "why would you have to those two together"? "Why would you do that?" Everyone stood silent. Especially her. The she went over to her girlfriend and sister and blatantly started whispering in their ear and looking directly at me. I should of beat her ass! After that the wife and her husband would not come over for the longest time. Oh Bill would go over their and party but they would not come here. One night the kids were at my moms and me and Bill took a ride up to their house(his idea)and the wife was so nice to me and soooo rude to Bill. To the point where he even said to me "what did I do." Well let me guess, one of two things happened, A. he either hit on her and tried to get her into bed and she was greatly offended(which he use to do all time to my friends, I know because they use to come back to me and complain about him) or B. My friend Steve(another neighbor) told her the truth about him. But I could really care less. You know what happened to the wife and her husband? Lets see, she cheated on him, got pregnant, left him, he became a crack head lost the house and moved out. Oh yeah the guy she cheated on her husband with, left her husband for, dumped her and his unborn child and went back to Montana to HIS wife and kids! All I can do is shake my head.

But this is the stuff I go through all the time with him. Alls I want to do is to be left alone. I really don't want this idiotic drama. But with NT's comes drama. Everything was fine when I drank and it wasn't because I was drunk and didn't notice what was going on, everything was fine because I drank like he did. Get what I mean? I was an okay person to him because I drank. For ten long years I wasted my life drinking to cope with the A.S. and him. I didn't mind so much the things he did and I felt like he actually wanted me around. Every time I got pregnant I quite drinking and he treated me with disdain. I went back to drinking I was okay and he treated me relatively well. But after my oldest son was about 5 I said enough. I don't want to be a drunken mommy and quite forever. And you know I don't think Bill realizes that he treats me better if I drink, I think he just thinks I am funner and nicer if I drink. I hear all the time from him now, "we don't have anything in common any more" "you don't like anything I do anymore" which is a load of Bullshit, and I have to constantly remind him we have a lot of common likes. And then he says "oh yeah, your right" until the next time, God forbid" I stand up to him when he treats me like crap and claims again " we have nothing in common anymore".

If I had the money I would leave. Happily. The courage would come.

Lets talk about the Large crowds and Aspie thing

Okay, well according to all the NT's that surround my world Asperger people do not like large crowds. Big major sign your Asperger according to the NT's. Well yes but there is more to than just a large crowd. It's doesn't have to be a large amount of people to send me in to a panic how 'bout you? It could be 4 people, there could be 5 people. They don't have to be strangers either, they can be people we know. For me it's more about the people themselves and their behaviors than the quantity of people. The quality not the quantity? hmmmm. Well the window shut it's self so I will have to discuss this some other time.

Heavy Sigh. Hell once again with the most considerate NT of the century! My husband! What is one of my most difficult things to handle? The TV on with music in the background! What does my drunken considerate husband do! Cranks the music up in the camper(that's in our front yard) so loud it almost drown out the TV. But not quite. Just like the stupid Doctor offices. How do these NT's do it? How and why could you or would you want to listen to both at once. I asked him earlier to turn it down he said "well I guess I could a little bit" he never did. I finally, at 11:00 told my son to tell him to TURN IT DOWN! And he did. I am on the verge of tears. I am having an anxiety attack. His mother is here, her Two friends are here, the neighbor is here, once of the friends brother is here, and they all drink and drink and drink..........and of course I am not going to hang around them while they party. Me and Billy are always here and they are always there. Caleb is back and forth but complains often about his sister getting special attention and she does I see it. But She is an NT and me Caleb and Billy are not. Bill and his mother are always picking and harping on Caleb. My Mother does it too. Caleb is ADHD he is going to get into mischief. But they expect him to be perfect, it's disgusting. But they pay for that stupid behavior. When they ask him to do something he wont do it. When I ask him to do something he does it. When they get all miffed I just shrug my shoulders. I tried to explain it to them but they don't listen. Remember their the normal ones. Okay this thought is done I have another topic I want to disgust but I am going to put it under it's own post.

The World of NT's

Once again the wondrous NT's in my family are at it again. Let me explain. So far I have not acknowledged to all family members that I am Asperger. With good reason too. Now that some of them know I am A.S. everyone is A.S. My husband thinks he is A.S. Noooooo! You like to go to biker parties, you are not afraid to confront difficult people, you look people in the eye it is not a problem for you. You would rather socialize than sit at home. You didn't hide in a closet as a kid, you were out getting IN TROUBLE with your multitude of friends, you were popular you had girlfriends! Another one of our close friends is supposedly A.S. also the NT's swear he is just because he has no tact and has a big trashy mouth. Just because someone is socially inept and verbally abusive doesn't mean they are A.S. I am so sick of that. It goes way beyond the Socializing issue but all the NT's including the lame social workers(and school psychologist) just keep rattling on about the Social difficulties. Heavy sigh! Then there is the "well everybody does that" statement. We were around the camp fire last night and at one point were were talking about the bugs and bug bites. Okay the conversation ended and we went on to the next subject. We were well into the next subject and the NT next to me was talking.....in the middle of her sentence.......and I blurted out this experience I had with dear flies while being over at the neighbors land the other day. After my idiotic brain was done spewing out yesterdays news I realized what I did and apologized for it (after 42 years and many people getting pissed at you for such a horrible conversational offence you learn to catch some of the blips and apologize for them.) Realizing this was an Asperger thing I explained my fopah. But of course what do I hear that I hear all the time from the NT. Oh that's okay we all do that! NO YOU DON'T! NO YOU DON'T! Dam it I hate that! Don't tell me that is normal! Man that makes me mad! If I mention one A.S. thing or try to talk about the problems that come along with Asperger Syndrome they always try to explain it away with "oh that's normal behavior or That's typical everybody does that." Bull crap! They do not! My mother tried that with my son Billy(the other Aspie in the family) always saying to me "Oh well that's normal behavior for a kid Lynda" (growl). That's why I hate talking to any of my family about mine or Billy's A.S.

Possible NT up gotta go.

Helping those in need

Okay I am going to try and get this post out of my head. I had to finish the last post so I have gotten distracted. Not a good thing for me. (Running into trouble starting)

This blog and these past months is the most I have ever talked about my self, about the problems I deal with, with myself. I have never shared much of my feelings with anyone. Not just because I am afraid to but a lot because it's just hard to get them out. But I was on the phone with a friend who has A.S. kids and to try and give her some insight into the Asperger mind I told her about my closet days as a kids and I told her about this blog. This sent me into a panic attack(mild one)because someone close to me has got a peak into the inside of me. I've talked to someone about it. Why does this frighten me? I don't know? I really have nothing to hide, but do I? I like to hide, I feel safe. But If I can help a friend I will do it! Even if it means compromising my safe zone. I will expose myself if it means I can help those who need it.

Planet Hell

I want to mention one thing before I go into a rant again. It came to my attention that I am mostly writting negative stuff and someone might think, Hmmm is she alway so misserable? Well no I am not, but usually the only thing that gets me writing is upsetting events. Boy when I get mad I can communicate, very well!!! But I don't like to get mad because it effects me so deeply and it takes days to recover. I never use to get so mad so easy, but year after year after year of abuse I guess has taken it's toll. And it's not just abuse from family members but abuse from the humans of this earth. From neighbors, doctors, strangers, school staff, our governments, local, state and federal, from Social Service people the snobby cashier, and the list goes on and on and on. I just can't stand how people are just so cruel to one another.

Do I believe in God? Yes I do! And he is in tears over the state of this planet! Why did I mention God all of a sudden? Because I know someone somewhere is going to try to mentions going to God for help. I seen a bunch of Aspie sites that refer to God to help them get through their difficult times, to help them cope with being Asperger. I am already there I have had a strong deep relationship with Father for a long time. Doesn't mean I like the puny little human souls on this planet any better and It I won't give them any of my understanding and compassion anymore. I do realize that there are good souls on this scum planet, I live with three and I have met a few. I also see kind souls getting taken advantage of everyday. But the majority are filth. No belief in God, no kindness in there souls, pigs no decency. I can't talk about this right now because my husband is back. I'll come back later and finish what I was talking about.

Okay I am back a day later. I am not going to carry on to much because I have another post I want to do and I have a time limit. I do want to explain what started this rant though. Lets see where to start. My husband has a bad back. Disc 4 and 5 are herniated, this condition was caused by his work (he worked in a lumber yard) constant heavy lifting for about six years. Well he got to the point were he was in agony. He could barely walk. So he went to his doctor, his doctor put a 20lb weight restriction on him and no prolonged standing. They did MRI's and it showed the obvious, two of his disc are messed up. His boss got wind of this and immediately laid him of telling him that his insurance company advised him not t0 have my him work there at this time because of this back injury. So now my husband is trying to get a comp. case going. BUT, interestingly is lame doctor who diagnosed my husband put in my husbands records that this back injury was NOT work related. Even though he knows it is. Why would he do that you say? Because this doctor is part of the Tri county medicine group of Steuben county! and guess who is on the board of directors for Tri county! Oh you guess it! Bills Boss!!! So if you have a brain cell or two that functions you can see what just happened. The greedy boss went to the puppet doctor and told him he better play along OR ELSE!

That's what sent me into orbit!!! That's what started this rant!! But I have to move forward and I will leave this behind me and let my husband handle it or at least I'll try.

You know what I hate the most? NT's that think their experts in dealing with Autistic/Asperger people. This woman claims she is an expert at ASD because she has one kid with Aspergers and two with "bipolar". I also hate NT's that think they have got to shove A.S. people out into the world to experience things. She sends her kids to camps, they have traumatic meltdowns but the camp counselor is young and hip. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Clueless NT's. Another brilliant NT moment, I told my genius NT husband the other day that I may not go to that racing thing he's doing Saturday and he said "oh that's to bad you would have fun, you'll miss out" and I said "just because that is fun for you doesn't mean it is fun for me and just because I don't go doesn't mean I am going to miss out. I can be just as happy staying home. Remember I have different likes and dislikes. Amazingly he saw the light and he agreed. Yes people he can be taught!

I read an interesting blip tonight that triggered a childhood memory. This A.S. woman, when she was a kid use to hid in a closet all the time. MEEEEE, Hello! That was meeee too! I had forgotten about that. It was my moms closet and I loved it. I loved the sliding door, I loved the feel of her dresses and nightgowns. And what I loved the most was I could hide so well in there no one would find me! And that was a plus with those nightmare sisters of mine. The one was always looking for a reason to beat me up.

I don't remember a lot of my childhood. There are years, middle years not just the young ones that are blipped out.

You know what else I see that is disgusting with NT's they think A.S. people need punishment when they have there meltdowns or there aggression attacks. Controll it with punishment! I have an A.S. child and a ADHD child that had big time anger issues and rage attacks. I learned early, early on punishments don't work. Talking does. You may say "WHAT?" But it's true. I have talked both my boys out of there attacks. And I talk sensibly and with compassion but also with firmness. I explain to them what they are doing, why the behavior is not working positively for them and how are we going to work the problem out so we can calm down. And if they can't calm down we go to a quiet place until we can. It works. Usually what starts the problems are argument between each other (meaning my kids) and mostly we can work them out sensibly. If my A.S. boy starts his yelling(he won't swear though he doesn't like it) I ask him to stop and I explain to him that it upsets me and others and we can't work things out when we are upset. I let him know when his negative behavior upsets people, but I explain in a very logical way that he accepts. And if I offend him he tells me and I appologize and try to say things correctly.

See I have talked in depthly to my children since they were little. I've talked about everything I could think of and I explained my self my actions, why I do the things I do, why people do the things they do and why they do the things they do. I haven't left one little crumb out. And I make sure I bring it down to there level and I make sure they understand what I am telling them. Talk Talk Talk that's all I can say! Talk to them. Sounds kinda weird coming from an Aspie, don't it. I have always been able to communicate to my kids. I may not be able to communicate to the rest of the world very easy but my kids it's just their and I am thankful for that.

I got so much more I want to say but it is so late and I have to go to bed. So I will post tomorrow.

?

Do I have anything to tell you tonight? I don't know. There's stuff in there. But can I get it out? Maybe. I'm starting on a depression swing. Why? I don't know. I get this way at times. Is it the Aspergers? Is it the sickening state of our people, our country? Is it my life? Is it from the poison food that our government lets the food companies sell to us? Do other Asperger people have the same questions? Go through the same bouts of depression? Hmmmm blank mind. I must read, I have to read. Reading other A.S. posts helps stimulate my mind. It helps me think, it helps me communicate. I am really good at answering questions. Sometimes I can't tell someone whats going on but if they asks the right questions I can give them involved answers. I am going to go search for other Aspie posts and if it isn't to late and if I find the right information I will post again later.

Nobody

Nobody I live around gets it. Not my family or their friends. I say "their friends" because I really don't have any. The one girlfriend I did have died about a year ago and the other......well you really couldn't call her a friend I guess. I'll explain some other time. Back to the Nobody get its. All my life I have been expected to do things that were very hard for me. If you are A.S. you know what I am talking about. No one cared how it made me feel or how terrified I was. No one gave a hoot, I was just expected to do the things they felt I should. And because of my dumb choices and ignorance of my own disability I am in adulthood surround by the very same type of people who could give a shit less what I go through and tell me all the time "you have to do this" or if they don't outwardly say those words they give me a hard time, get mad at me or put some kind of pressure on me so I will comply. I read a lot of A.S. people say the isolation is what gets them, the failed relationships. But for me it's the opposite. I like being alone. I want to be alone. See as I have said all my life I have been surrounded by people that push me to do things that make A.S. people very uncomfortable. I even had to go to biker parties. Can you imagine that one? But that's my own fault for falling in love with a NT (and a selfish one at that). So being saturated with these kind of people for 42 years makes me not mind being alone. I've read that there have been A.S. people who have committed suicide because of to little people in there life. Not me, it would be the opposite. These selfish clueless NT's in my life are going to drive me right to it if I don't find some way to get away. Or make them leave me ALONE!

The latest that clueless NT I married decided to do is go racing with his buddy. Never asked me anything about it .He always does this he makes his plans and then sometimes tells me what he is doing....... Anyways he comes in the house earlier and I ask him what is going on next weekend"?(only because I overheard him talking about it to other people) "oh were going racing, you wanna go?" That means I gotta drive to some strange race track that is about 40 miles away from here. He didn't say I have to go but his mom is going and she'll feel that I should go and her friends will be here and they'll want to go. And they will find ways to make me feel for not wanting to go. And if I hold my ground and don't go they will try to make me feel bad for not going. When they come back they'll carry on "oh you should of gone we had so much fun, it was so great, it's to bad you didn't go you would of had fun."

It's not necessarily that I don't want to go racing it's okay, it's more I don't want to drive. I don't like driving where I haven't been umpteen times. The unknown, the unfamiliar sound familiar?

My Jeep quit a couple of weeks ago (I loved my Jeep, it's about the maximum size vehicle I want to tolerate) and my husband went out and got me this big giant blazer with big giant wheels and this fancy duel exhaust that is noisy. It's not new by any means either. It's a 1993 with 150,000 miles on it. So now I have this big noisy gas guzzling blazer to drive around and oh did I forget to mention my husband can not drive (because of his 2 dwi's) so I have to drive EVERYWHERE! I have to drive him hear, I have to drive him there! Oh and oh boy I HAVE to drive to his family reunion on the 31st. I have to go. I have to. Talk to his mother and she'll tell you, I have to go!

And this is only a minuscule amount of what I have gone through and go through every day of my life!

So you see I LOVE isolation, I WANT isolation, just so I can get peace of mind, just so I don't have to be worried, or terrified or stressed every day of my life! To not to have to be pushed into something or expected to drive somewhere or to go to big giant events with lots of people I don't know or not to have to drive that ass to the hospital because of some medical problem he has.......and on and on and on................. Tears.

Sounds

I am still very upset about what I was talking about in the previous post but I think I can go on and talk about sounds. Speaking of sounds my kids are making so much sound it's hard to post. They aren't being loud they are just playing. But for me it's a very big distraction. I have very acute hearing. I am always saying to my husband, "did you hear that" and of course he says "No". I am always asking to have the TV turned down, or the radio. I swear he hates me for that. I know it irritates him. Sometimes when everything is quiet I get this pulsing vibrational sound in my ears. It doesn't bother me to much and it goes away. To much sound at once is maddening. Like TV, people talking, radio going as I mentioned before in my other post. Unfortunately I live in a noisy home. But I tolerate it because I know it's just people being people and I am Asperger.

Terrors

I wanted to tell you about sounds tonight and I will but first I want to talk about a new horror that sends me in to a terrified nightmare. What humanity is doing to each other is just putrid. I don't understand why Americans turn on Americans, that is the most unpatriotic act I have seen yet. I just read a news article that people are being thrown in jail for their debts. That goes to far. People are struggling and there fellow Americans spit in their face and turn there backs on them. All in the name of money. It's disgusting and shameful and those that treat there fellow man and woman in such a callous manor should have there riches ripped right out from under them and there ass thrown in Jail. I own a couple of debts. If I had the money I would pay them. But I don't and I can't at this point. If I get thrown in jail because of this........... I would loose it.

The Window is Open

Well this post I think I will focus on something a little different. My Kids! I love them so much! They are the kindest, most understand souls! But they are not without problems of there own. Billy is my oldest he is 15 and he is the one with Aspergers. Caleb is 11(going on 30) and has ADHD. Jennifer is 7 without any issues at all. She is a complete 100% NT! And Bill my husband is a NT and well.....he is just something else. It makes for a very interesting house hold. Caleb by far is the most liveliest. He is funny! But he has the most anger issues. Caleb's tantrums as a child were not throwing himself the the floor and kicking and screaming, it was throwing him- self down the stairs and kick and screaming. I kid you not! He punched walls, windows, teachers.......but we found a lot of his anger issues were fueled by Blue #1. So once we removed that from his diet he calmed down tremendously. He is still a power house but in a more positive way. Billy is great I love his logic, his cooperativeness, he's wonderful, he's a genius at math and architecture. It's hard for him being A.S. with such an spirited brother. I try to help Billy as much as I can and I do not tolerate any mean violent behavior between any of them!!! Jennifer is amazing! Smart, very smart. Not one hint of a learning disability. People love Jennifer. But as much as I would love to say they are perfect they are not. Jenny has her issue too. Even being a NT.

Bill. He is getting his own paragraph. He is definitely an NT. He can be nice and helpful one moment and cold and unsympathetic the next. He has a real hard time accepting the fact that I have Asperger. He acts like a dork when it comes to A.S. issues with my son even though I continually explain what is going on with Billy. Unless he is drinking he is not a nice person. I hate being around him when he is straight. He harps on all of us, picks on Caleb and me mostly. But Caleb has his ways of getting him back. He knows how to push bills buttons! I try to tell Bill how to handle him and he don't listen. I don't know I just seem to click with the kids and he don't.

Now this is where I get stuck. I want to tell you more but can't. I can't get it out. Maybe because there is to much to choose from. It's like I was on this path doing fine and then all of a sudden there are 5 different paths I could take and I can't figure out which one to go down. I just stand there frozen. That's when the window closes.

Trying to communicate

I always have hard time starting my thoughts. Do you? I guess I will just start with me and my history so you know a bit about me. I am 42 and I have Asperger Syndrome. I am not diagnosed because I can not bring my self to go to a doctor. I am to paralyzed by fear. The only reason I know that I am Asperger and know about Aspergers is because my son was diagnosed with it also. But it still took years after his diagnosis to realize that I have it. But it does explain everything about me everything I've gone through and still am going through. My family (mother sisters dad) is not very supportive of my A.S. they don't even acknowledge I have it. They just think I am very shy, lazy and stupid. Just afraid to get out there and try. They have always had that attitude towards me. Imagine having A.S. as a kid and being forced to go to dance lessons and perform a recital on a stage in front of about 30 people, be forced to take piano lessons and perform another recital in front of a bunch more people, be in band in school and again have to perform in front of more people. My sister always called me stupid, my one sister use to hit me in the head every time I pissed her off. My mom new something wasn't quite right with me but she never bothered to get me any help. She just left me on my own. I remember one time when I was a teenager I told my older sister (the one that use to hit me) that I wanted to be an Astronomer when I got older and she told me not to bother because I wouldn't be able to do the math. I believed her and never pursued the dream. I hate my self for believing her.

I don't talk to them anymore, I just don't want to. I am afraid to be around them. I am afraid the one will either hit me or the other one will start harping on me about the way I act. Talking to much, being inconsiderate in an conversation and so on. They obviously don't like the way I am so I just stay away. It's easier.

I would like to explain how I feel and things I go through but it's really hard for me. I have found it's easier for me to read other A.S. posts and say "Hey that me". But I am going to try to give you a bit at a time.

I have delays. All kinds of them in all kinds of ways. Frustrating they are. I know when I turn on the music on the radio I can't understand it right away it sounds all jumbled then after a bit I can understand what I hear. I cry when I try to explain these things to people. It's involuntary it's not just because these things make me sad but because it just happens. I am always afraid. I may stop here because I am starting to cry and I don't want my husband and kids to see me. Okay I made an excuse I said my allergies were bugging me and I have got my crying under control. I think. Lets see what else can I tell you.

I am terrified of the phone. I avoid phone calls at all cost. Don't ask me to call someone. The only time I will get on the phone is for my kids. I will talk to some teachers from the school and the doctors. But they have to be the nice people or forget it. The real rough people my husband handles. Thank God. He's an NT (Neuro Typical). I don't like loud noises, especially TV's. I am always asking my husband to turn the TV down I drive him nuts with it. He's definitely not sympathetic to the cause. I don't like flashing light I have to look away. I can not handle a TV and a radio playing a the same time like in the doctor offices. I have to wait in the car if I can't shut it out. I have learn to shut out certain things that bother me. But then I can be hard to reach. From what I have been reading from other Aspie people I am lucky I learned to do that. I forget what I am doing sometimes. I will be going to do something and I will just stop and go blank and then I have to try and figure out what I was doing. That's a frustrating one! There is a lot more I want to tell you but my mind went blank, the window is closed. So I will post later for you.
Take care