Nobody

Nobody I live around gets it. Not my family or their friends. I say "their friends" because I really don't have any. The one girlfriend I did have died about a year ago and the other......well you really couldn't call her a friend I guess. I'll explain some other time. Back to the Nobody get its. All my life I have been expected to do things that were very hard for me. If you are A.S. you know what I am talking about. No one cared how it made me feel or how terrified I was. No one gave a hoot, I was just expected to do the things they felt I should. And because of my dumb choices and ignorance of my own disability I am in adulthood surround by the very same type of people who could give a shit less what I go through and tell me all the time "you have to do this" or if they don't outwardly say those words they give me a hard time, get mad at me or put some kind of pressure on me so I will comply. I read a lot of A.S. people say the isolation is what gets them, the failed relationships. But for me it's the opposite. I like being alone. I want to be alone. See as I have said all my life I have been surrounded by people that push me to do things that make A.S. people very uncomfortable. I even had to go to biker parties. Can you imagine that one? But that's my own fault for falling in love with a NT (and a selfish one at that). So being saturated with these kind of people for 42 years makes me not mind being alone. I've read that there have been A.S. people who have committed suicide because of to little people in there life. Not me, it would be the opposite. These selfish clueless NT's in my life are going to drive me right to it if I don't find some way to get away. Or make them leave me ALONE!

The latest that clueless NT I married decided to do is go racing with his buddy. Never asked me anything about it .He always does this he makes his plans and then sometimes tells me what he is doing....... Anyways he comes in the house earlier and I ask him what is going on next weekend"?(only because I overheard him talking about it to other people) "oh were going racing, you wanna go?" That means I gotta drive to some strange race track that is about 40 miles away from here. He didn't say I have to go but his mom is going and she'll feel that I should go and her friends will be here and they'll want to go. And they will find ways to make me feel for not wanting to go. And if I hold my ground and don't go they will try to make me feel bad for not going. When they come back they'll carry on "oh you should of gone we had so much fun, it was so great, it's to bad you didn't go you would of had fun."

It's not necessarily that I don't want to go racing it's okay, it's more I don't want to drive. I don't like driving where I haven't been umpteen times. The unknown, the unfamiliar sound familiar?

My Jeep quit a couple of weeks ago (I loved my Jeep, it's about the maximum size vehicle I want to tolerate) and my husband went out and got me this big giant blazer with big giant wheels and this fancy duel exhaust that is noisy. It's not new by any means either. It's a 1993 with 150,000 miles on it. So now I have this big noisy gas guzzling blazer to drive around and oh did I forget to mention my husband can not drive (because of his 2 dwi's) so I have to drive EVERYWHERE! I have to drive him hear, I have to drive him there! Oh and oh boy I HAVE to drive to his family reunion on the 31st. I have to go. I have to. Talk to his mother and she'll tell you, I have to go!

And this is only a minuscule amount of what I have gone through and go through every day of my life!

So you see I LOVE isolation, I WANT isolation, just so I can get peace of mind, just so I don't have to be worried, or terrified or stressed every day of my life! To not to have to be pushed into something or expected to drive somewhere or to go to big giant events with lots of people I don't know or not to have to drive that ass to the hospital because of some medical problem he has.......and on and on and on................. Tears.