Pretending

Hmm where to start. So many thoughts all swimming around in a sea of blubbering. I hear many people say to me, you seem normal. You can communicate well. Well not really, only on subjects I care deeply about. And gee you know what I happen to be talking about with these people who say this to me? Asperger Syndrome! A subject I care deeply about! It fascinates me. Actually it's the brain that fascinates me. The why of peoples behaviors. Do I spend a lot of time researching and learning about the brain? Countless hours. Do I spend a lot of time on Aspergers? Countless hours. I had the opportunity and courage one time to go to college for the career of my choice. It was only a community college and I was only able to to go for an associates but it was an opportunity I new I had to take no matter how frightened I was at the though of being in such unpredictable situation. To learn! I had to. I picked human services. I took so many psychology classes it almost over shadowed the human services. I never finished the human service course, I came one semester shy of my degree. But I realized later on I did not want to get into the human service area and for a long time I couldn't figure out what it was I did want. Until recently I realized it was the brain! The disorders, the functions, the patterns. Ever hear of "Down the rabbit Hole", "What the Bleep do we Know"? If you haven't you should check it out! Type either in a google and see what you get!

But my original point for this post was again the perception that Asperger people can't communicate. To be Aspergers you must have difficulty talking to people. It's a wide misconception about Aspies and I believe it is a misconception about Autistic people also. I believe they can communicate just not in a way that we know.

But again I am going way off the subject I really want to be talking about. Like I said in the beginning I have some people tell me I don't seem Asperger because they feel I communicate well, I seem fine. Well I pretend a lot. I've learned to pretend things are fine so people will like me. I am a people watcher and I mimic behavior. I am an excellent analyzer. I analyze my self and others over and over and over. When I was a teenager I remember watching what behavior got my sisters in trouble and I deduced what behavior my mother liked and I did what pleased her and got to stay out late with my friends, I was able to get more privileges. Again I mimic behavior or mirror behavior. Someone could walk up to me at today and start yelling and arguing with me to the point where I don't want to ever be civil to the person again. But if a day later they come up to me and talk to me nice I will do the same back like nothing ever happened. Even though I don't like them and I want nothing to do with the person. If there nice I'm nice, even if I hate them, if they talk nice I will talk nice. If they talk nasty I will talk nasty. This one my traites that I dislike the most. Because If someone treats me poorly, I really don't want to be nice to them and let them think their behavior was okay, that it did not hurt me, I want to be able to communicate to them what their inappropriate behavior did. But I wont be able to if they talk nice. I will just do the same back.

Another communication issues I have is the delayed response to upsetting conversations. Most normal people, if they get into a conversation where inappropriate words are said are able to communicate this to the other person at the time when the offence takes place. I do not have this ability... Okay I need to leave this deadliest warrior show has offended me to the hilt. I will finish this in the morning.

I have to say this is one of the most difficult issues for me to explain correctly and to add to the difficulty I am tired my husband keeps interrupting me with idiotic babble about Deadliest Warrior and of course the TV is loud. I will probably come back tomorrow and rewrite a lot of this. If you read this before that you get the raw deal. Straight from the brain, unedited, uncut, uncensored!