Being hated

He hates me so much I don't know why he sticks around. I guess because he feels this is his families land and he "built" this house so he refuses to leave? Hoping I will leave. I would if I could. Do you know what it is like to have your mate hate you to the point where it's obvious they are just putting up with you. I hear him talking to the neighbors to his family and their friends. He says things like "welcome to my hell." He lies to me, cheats on me, yells at me. But just stops short of saying "get out"! because he has no one to cart his ass around and because of the kids. Do you know what it is like to be kept around just because of your kids or to be visited by your mother just because of your kids? No one in my family really wants to see me or be around me. And they'll say "oh that's not true" Bullshit, your actions speak louder than words. And sometimes your words speaks volumes. My mother always says '"I'm just coming down to see the kids." She can't stand to hang out and talk to me. If and when she does she goes back to my sisters and her husband and gossips about me and next thing I know my one psycho sister is calling me up and yell at me about weird things. Bill always talks about me behind my back. I have had neighbors HATE me because of B.S. he has told them about me. I am not being paranoid or misreading people. Let me give you an example. We use to have this couple that lived on our road that Bill got to know first. One night he invited the two over to a camp fire. Well the wife brought her friend over and her sister. At one point the wife says to bill "oh you have to meet my friend(can't remember her name)you two are so alike, you would love her. I have to get you two together! WHAT, Hello!!!! His wife is right here in front of you!!!!!! I asked her "why would you have to those two together"? "Why would you do that?" Everyone stood silent. Especially her. The she went over to her girlfriend and sister and blatantly started whispering in their ear and looking directly at me. I should of beat her ass! After that the wife and her husband would not come over for the longest time. Oh Bill would go over their and party but they would not come here. One night the kids were at my moms and me and Bill took a ride up to their house(his idea)and the wife was so nice to me and soooo rude to Bill. To the point where he even said to me "what did I do." Well let me guess, one of two things happened, A. he either hit on her and tried to get her into bed and she was greatly offended(which he use to do all time to my friends, I know because they use to come back to me and complain about him) or B. My friend Steve(another neighbor) told her the truth about him. But I could really care less. You know what happened to the wife and her husband? Lets see, she cheated on him, got pregnant, left him, he became a crack head lost the house and moved out. Oh yeah the guy she cheated on her husband with, left her husband for, dumped her and his unborn child and went back to Montana to HIS wife and kids! All I can do is shake my head.

But this is the stuff I go through all the time with him. Alls I want to do is to be left alone. I really don't want this idiotic drama. But with NT's comes drama. Everything was fine when I drank and it wasn't because I was drunk and didn't notice what was going on, everything was fine because I drank like he did. Get what I mean? I was an okay person to him because I drank. For ten long years I wasted my life drinking to cope with the A.S. and him. I didn't mind so much the things he did and I felt like he actually wanted me around. Every time I got pregnant I quite drinking and he treated me with disdain. I went back to drinking I was okay and he treated me relatively well. But after my oldest son was about 5 I said enough. I don't want to be a drunken mommy and quite forever. And you know I don't think Bill realizes that he treats me better if I drink, I think he just thinks I am funner and nicer if I drink. I hear all the time from him now, "we don't have anything in common any more" "you don't like anything I do anymore" which is a load of Bullshit, and I have to constantly remind him we have a lot of common likes. And then he says "oh yeah, your right" until the next time, God forbid" I stand up to him when he treats me like crap and claims again " we have nothing in common anymore".

If I had the money I would leave. Happily. The courage would come.