Trying to communicate

I always have hard time starting my thoughts. Do you? I guess I will just start with me and my history so you know a bit about me. I am 42 and I have Asperger Syndrome. I am not diagnosed because I can not bring my self to go to a doctor. I am to paralyzed by fear. The only reason I know that I am Asperger and know about Aspergers is because my son was diagnosed with it also. But it still took years after his diagnosis to realize that I have it. But it does explain everything about me everything I've gone through and still am going through. My family (mother sisters dad) is not very supportive of my A.S. they don't even acknowledge I have it. They just think I am very shy, lazy and stupid. Just afraid to get out there and try. They have always had that attitude towards me. Imagine having A.S. as a kid and being forced to go to dance lessons and perform a recital on a stage in front of about 30 people, be forced to take piano lessons and perform another recital in front of a bunch more people, be in band in school and again have to perform in front of more people. My sister always called me stupid, my one sister use to hit me in the head every time I pissed her off. My mom new something wasn't quite right with me but she never bothered to get me any help. She just left me on my own. I remember one time when I was a teenager I told my older sister (the one that use to hit me) that I wanted to be an Astronomer when I got older and she told me not to bother because I wouldn't be able to do the math. I believed her and never pursued the dream. I hate my self for believing her.

I don't talk to them anymore, I just don't want to. I am afraid to be around them. I am afraid the one will either hit me or the other one will start harping on me about the way I act. Talking to much, being inconsiderate in an conversation and so on. They obviously don't like the way I am so I just stay away. It's easier.

I would like to explain how I feel and things I go through but it's really hard for me. I have found it's easier for me to read other A.S. posts and say "Hey that me". But I am going to try to give you a bit at a time.

I have delays. All kinds of them in all kinds of ways. Frustrating they are. I know when I turn on the music on the radio I can't understand it right away it sounds all jumbled then after a bit I can understand what I hear. I cry when I try to explain these things to people. It's involuntary it's not just because these things make me sad but because it just happens. I am always afraid. I may stop here because I am starting to cry and I don't want my husband and kids to see me. Okay I made an excuse I said my allergies were bugging me and I have got my crying under control. I think. Lets see what else can I tell you.

I am terrified of the phone. I avoid phone calls at all cost. Don't ask me to call someone. The only time I will get on the phone is for my kids. I will talk to some teachers from the school and the doctors. But they have to be the nice people or forget it. The real rough people my husband handles. Thank God. He's an NT (Neuro Typical). I don't like loud noises, especially TV's. I am always asking my husband to turn the TV down I drive him nuts with it. He's definitely not sympathetic to the cause. I don't like flashing light I have to look away. I can not handle a TV and a radio playing a the same time like in the doctor offices. I have to wait in the car if I can't shut it out. I have learn to shut out certain things that bother me. But then I can be hard to reach. From what I have been reading from other Aspie people I am lucky I learned to do that. I forget what I am doing sometimes. I will be going to do something and I will just stop and go blank and then I have to try and figure out what I was doing. That's a frustrating one! There is a lot more I want to tell you but my mind went blank, the window is closed. So I will post later for you.
Take care